The battering ram at my defenses.

I don't take bad news very well.  

I want to say that I did before grief had its way with me, but I honestly think it has only progressed to the enemy it is as I have gotten older.

Bad news always seems to come when my never-perfectly tidy life is more organised.  It seems to come when I am feeling closer to living out the creative life, I was created for.  

{The aroma of my vanilla chai tea in my 20 year old Winnie the Pooh mug is a sensory delight and the sound of raindrops falling is music for my heart.}

For example, one Sunday while out for lunch, my mother tells us she is selling her house and we need to find a new home. The funny thing is that if she had told us this a year ago it would not have had the same impact.  

(She was very kind about it and she has to sell and we are grown ups, but that is all besides the point.)

Our semi-organised life was running along smoothly.  Emiel and I were exercising regularly, my eating was under control, my creative self was feeling ready to break free and I wan't drowning in hopelessness.   

And then BAM!!!!

~Bad news comes at my defenses like a battering ram (think Grond at the gates of Minas Tirith)~

The sad thing is, is that as soon as my defenses are breached my fighting spirit flees and I am left feeling useless.  The exercising and eating right stagnates, my creativity is once again imprisoned in the deepest dungeon and hopelessness washes over. 

We watched Mom's Night Out again and again I cried.  I think the reality is more of us, not just the mom's, feel like we're failures at some stage(s) in our lives.   

And while I have felt like a failure with flabby arms, a bloated belly and hopelessness the only colour I will wear, my yearning to live out the glorious life God has given me is so much stronger.  

I will start slow and steady, a bunch of push ups, a bunch of squats, a lot less chocolate.  

And I will dig deeper into myself to let loose that which is imprisoned.  

And I will be led by Him, and I will follow where He goes.  

My defenses are useless against attack, His aren't. 

I hope you find encouragement in this.  

Much love 

Philippa