15 February 1983 (yes, that makes me 35)

I was born on the 15th of February 1983.  

I was born in the Joburg General Hospital.  

My father was the only person allowed to visit my mother at the time, because the other fathers ate their wives’ food.  I think that is how the story goes.  

I was a chubby baby, so fat that people used to come up and ask my parents if they had put elastic bands on my wrists and ankles.  I don't understand why they couldn’t just see I was so fat my fat rolls had dents; I was born in a time when you could use the word fat.  

I remember being around 6 and my Israeli dance teacher telling me I needed to lose weight, because she thought I was fat.  I wasn’t petite like the other little girls around me.  There were other people and other times, I just don't remember them specifically, but I have spent years trying to unshackle myself from their grip.  This is not a post about fat, but can I just say that I love that the anti-body shaming movement (I don't even know if I said that right) has given young women of all shapes and sizes the freedom to celebrate the bodies they have.  Don’t you?

I love that she lives in a different era.  I love that she has no knowledge of her shape or size.  

I have some emotion attached to the day on which I am supposed to celebrate my coming into this world.  Don’t get me wrong, I value my life and I am grateful to be alive, but I don’t enjoy celebrating my birthday. 

Here is why:

·        Valentine’s Day:  aside from the fact that Valentine’s Day is lame and that I was a chubby kid or I felt like I was a chubby kid, I don’t actually know, on our first Valentine’s day as a couple my future husband gave me a beautiful, handbag size, pink and brown Bible.  I was thrilled.  It was deeply romantic for a couple who knew church planting and ministry and stuff was our jam.  Valentine’s Day, however, is the day before my birthday, and my birthday was already a tender subject and he had not gotten a gift for my birthday.  You are welcome to know that happened 11 years ago, but my intense dislike for Valentine’s Day has not dissipated, not one little bit.

I will Valentine for them, they are worth it right ?

·        My birthday has been on occasion forgotten.  I know that is a really normal occurrence and that it happens to loads of people, but this is me and my thing, OK?

·        I think I have finally realized that I like receiving gifts that show someone has thought about me and I like surprises, there I said it. 

·        I am an introvert and I don’t make friends very easily, because I am also having to learn to unlearn the thought processes of years of being stupidly insecure. And honestly, I am not a good friend in return.  I don’t remember people birthdays or give them lovely gifts, because… (you can go to the next point now)

·        Every month is tight for us financially.  I want to love people generously.  I want to be able to give them gifts on their birthdays (I know I should at least with them Happy Birthday…)

·        February is an especially tight month for us financially.  Why is this important?  I would love to have a lovely party or a girl’s night out or a dinner party with our friends, but I share February with my firstborn child, a sensitive child, who takes his birthday party or lack thereof very seriously.

·        I miss my dad, just a bit, when I am not still a little mad at him. 

This is helping, thank you.  I really needed to just get it off my chest.  I believe implicitly in a few soft skills for lack of another, better word; vulnerability, for the purpose of letting others know it’s ok to be vulnerable, self-introspection for the purpose of being more Jesus like, more outward focused, and letting go (is that a soft skill, my husband says it is and he knows). 

I am going to let this go now. I will probably have to work on it come next year, but I believe next year I will be a little wiser and less emotionally retarded. 

Have a super day/ night all and I hope your birthday is amazing and wonderful and that you feel very loved.  And if I fail to wish you (and I know you) you are welcome to remind me of this post. 

PS Watch out for the post on why introspection helps us become more Jesus like, more outward focused.

Much love 

Philippa