When you experience loss
My mother and I attended a funeral yesterday. I love the family who was experiencing loss and we went to support them, but for the most part I felt cold to the bone and out of place, as though I was intruding.
Later that day while preparing lunch the sound in my ears was so amplified and the blood coursing through my veins felt like it was going to come bursting through my finger tips at an second. My mom offered to help with the lunch, I said no. She said she wished I could slow down, take a breather. I told her I was battling to get air into my lungs and at that point it came. It wasn't the floods of tears it was the sheer fear that oxygen would not make it to my lungs. I walked out around the house to the spot I went to so many time when I was in the early stages of processing my father's death. The sun on my tear stained cheeks was hot, a gift, because this Winter has been cold, and all I could really think was I want a cigarette and this hurts so bad.
Grief comes like that, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and punches you in the gut, it punches the stuffing right out of you.
I want to share a little of what I have learnt through our experience of loss, both in people we love and horrible life situations.
1. Grief is unkind
Grief will come at you over and over again. It has no respect for where or when it hits or how ugly you cry.
2. Grief changes you
When your life is altered by the loss of a loved one or smashed about by a divorce, or abuse, or financial ruin, it is forever changed. You become a different version of yourself.
3. Grief has no end date
While the initial searing pain will in time numb, the pain will always be a part of your life. In the time of our grief counseling, someone, I think my brother's counselor explained grief to look like this:
In the beginning grief will overtake your life, in time grief will still be there, but your life will have continued, you will have lived and enjoyed living
4. Grief affects each of us differently.
I am the eldest of 4 siblings and each of us has experienced grief in our own way. I like to think in pictures, and the way I see it is that each if us has left on a journey, we all left from the safe destination at the same time, but no two of us are on the same road, and only rarely do our roads come to an intersection.
5. Grief is a thief
Grief steals your peace.
6. Grief will not destroy you.
Grief comes like an earth quake that shakes a tall apartment block. The block shakes, windows crack, walls crumble, but the foundation stays intact. You can rebuild on that foundation.
7. It is easier to accept grief's embrace then to reject it.
Feel the feels, cry, scream. One of the unhelpful things I developed in the early part of the process was something like a panic attack, something like what I experienced yesterday. I didn't want to cry, I was so angry, but the sadness would be so great it had to be released. It was horrible, I would be gasping for air, then screaming, by this time the poor dogs would be crying. I am glad I have learnt to cry, even it is for soppy Facebook videos.
8. Grief is not the boss of you.
You will get to a point where you will find yourself free from the oppressive hold grief has. You will no longer feel bossed about, you will start to remember you are your own person.
My encouragement to you if you are experiencing grief, is to have grace with yourself. Allow yourself the freedom to feel, to lose it, to throw things, to eat too much chocolate, and then allow yourself to laugh. Give yourself permission to have fun, do the things that add value to your life. And love, love the people around even if they were useless at supporting you.
If you are not experiencing grief yourself, but know someone who is, come alongside them and love them. Have grace with them, they very well may behave badly, they may be gross and nearly impossible, but your consistency and patience may be the beacon that sees them home.
I love this scripture, I hold onto it. I hope that it may encourage you too.
With love
Philippa
Later that day while preparing lunch the sound in my ears was so amplified and the blood coursing through my veins felt like it was going to come bursting through my finger tips at an second. My mom offered to help with the lunch, I said no. She said she wished I could slow down, take a breather. I told her I was battling to get air into my lungs and at that point it came. It wasn't the floods of tears it was the sheer fear that oxygen would not make it to my lungs. I walked out around the house to the spot I went to so many time when I was in the early stages of processing my father's death. The sun on my tear stained cheeks was hot, a gift, because this Winter has been cold, and all I could really think was I want a cigarette and this hurts so bad.
Grief comes like that, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and punches you in the gut, it punches the stuffing right out of you.
I want to share a little of what I have learnt through our experience of loss, both in people we love and horrible life situations.
1. Grief is unkind
Grief will come at you over and over again. It has no respect for where or when it hits or how ugly you cry.
2. Grief changes you
When your life is altered by the loss of a loved one or smashed about by a divorce, or abuse, or financial ruin, it is forever changed. You become a different version of yourself.
3. Grief has no end date
While the initial searing pain will in time numb, the pain will always be a part of your life. In the time of our grief counseling, someone, I think my brother's counselor explained grief to look like this:
In the beginning grief will overtake your life, in time grief will still be there, but your life will have continued, you will have lived and enjoyed living
4. Grief affects each of us differently.
I am the eldest of 4 siblings and each of us has experienced grief in our own way. I like to think in pictures, and the way I see it is that each if us has left on a journey, we all left from the safe destination at the same time, but no two of us are on the same road, and only rarely do our roads come to an intersection.
5. Grief is a thief
Grief steals your peace.
6. Grief will not destroy you.
Grief comes like an earth quake that shakes a tall apartment block. The block shakes, windows crack, walls crumble, but the foundation stays intact. You can rebuild on that foundation.
7. It is easier to accept grief's embrace then to reject it.
Feel the feels, cry, scream. One of the unhelpful things I developed in the early part of the process was something like a panic attack, something like what I experienced yesterday. I didn't want to cry, I was so angry, but the sadness would be so great it had to be released. It was horrible, I would be gasping for air, then screaming, by this time the poor dogs would be crying. I am glad I have learnt to cry, even it is for soppy Facebook videos.
8. Grief is not the boss of you.
You will get to a point where you will find yourself free from the oppressive hold grief has. You will no longer feel bossed about, you will start to remember you are your own person.
My encouragement to you if you are experiencing grief, is to have grace with yourself. Allow yourself the freedom to feel, to lose it, to throw things, to eat too much chocolate, and then allow yourself to laugh. Give yourself permission to have fun, do the things that add value to your life. And love, love the people around even if they were useless at supporting you.
If you are not experiencing grief yourself, but know someone who is, come alongside them and love them. Have grace with them, they very well may behave badly, they may be gross and nearly impossible, but your consistency and patience may be the beacon that sees them home.
I love this scripture, I hold onto it. I hope that it may encourage you too.
With love
Philippa
Oh boy did I need this!! Thanks for obediently sharing what's on your heart and your experiences.😍
ReplyDeleteThanks my friend. I am so glad it ministered to you. My apologies for only replying now, I couldn't remember where the reply button was ;0
ReplyDelete