Fear is an oppressive master. Fear is a ferocious beast, desperate to tear you apart.

Dear you, how are you?  How has life been to you?  How have you been to those around you?  You are very much on my heart; you have been for a while. 

I worry for you, that you are allowing fear to have rule and reign in your life.  I am writing this post for you, not from a place of superior intellect or emotional intelligence, rather a place of freedom that I have to daily fight for and I believe possible for you.

I have lived most of my life terrified of everything.

As a child I lived in perpetual fear that my parents would divorce.  To be honest, it had influence on much of my existence well into my adult years, my marriage.  When we received the call to say my father had taken his life I had fully expected it to be news that my mother had finally had enough. 

When we were first married I experienced intense jealousy.  I was so scared that Emiel would have an affair and that any friendship or even interaction with another woman would destroy our marriage.  That our marriage survived is only by the grace of God.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks.  It’s completely normal, I know, but it broke my heart in a way I can’t explain.  My second pregnancy with Alexander was polluted by crippling fear.  My pregnancy with Beatrice was a bit better, but I had the most ridiculous fear that she would “catch” some disability if we came into contact with anyone with disability.  At the time we were the house-parents for a Bible School on the same property where I now work at a special needs day care centre.  Yes. (Just in case, you were wondering, you can’t catch a disability.)

Each year I get to do some public speaking.  I love it.  Every second Sunday I preach, every other Sunday I teach children’s church, but invite me to a party where I don’t know people well or there are too many people and I want to run away. 

I have been scared of noises in the dark and the dark.  I have been scared of our dog barking and the reaction of neighbours.  I have been scared of joining conversations and being thought of as stupid or too clever.  I have been scared of trying, what if I fail? 

What will it cost me to fail? What will it cost you? It couldn’t be worse than not trying.   How many dreams are not lost, how many people not loved, because we allow fear to rule and reign.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but at some stage in the last while I was trying to encourage my children to draw. Children can draw. The “I couldn’t-s” were heartbreaking and so numerous they were suffocating the joy from the day.  It was in that moment that I realised that I would never be able to encourage them to reach for the stars if I wasn’t.  I really don’t want my children to remember me spending afternoons in bed, I want them to remember me loving and learning and writing and painting and creating.

The thing about fear is this, it has a purpose, it is supposed to protect us from harm or spur us on.  I don’t see my fear of spiders irrational in any way. When there is an imbalance and fear is in the deficit there will be broken bones and possible death.  When fear is abundant, the consequence is more extreme, there will be broken hearts and minds and lives. 

Fear is an oppressive master.  Fear is a ferocious beast, desperate to tear you apart.

One of my go to scriptures is 1 John 4: 18, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

Dear you, did you read that?  There is no room for fear in love. In Love, in Jesus, there is freedom. 

Love is the answer.  

I realise how naïve it sounds, but love is hard work.  Real love, the love that changes the world costs us something, it costs us our fear. 

You are worth so much, don’t allow fear of your mistakes, 

                                                                  of people, 

                                                                  of crime, 

                                                                  of race, 

                                                                  of gender, 

                                                                  of political party, 

                                                                  of religion, 

                                                                  of finance 

                                                                                  to rule you. 

Love is the answer.  It is the only way. 

I want to leave you with this song, King of my Heart by John Mark and Sarah McMillan, listen to it, sing it out. 

You are loved.  You are chosen.  

Much love

Philippa 

(even as I post this I have to work hard against the fear that no one will want to read, because I know that if just you read it, is was meant for you.)