Stop wearing the strait jacket of the opinion of others.

There is this mom I used to see when my children were still in school.  My daughter and her son were in the same class.  She seemed friendly, she still does when I see her now (more than I need to), but our interaction leaves me feeling she doesn’t need any more friends. This is not the first time that I have experienced this, in fact it has happened so often that I have questioned how well I understand the concept of making friends.  It has made me feel as though I was in some way defunct. 

I dress a little differently, I always have.  I could understand if that gave people reason to avoid me.  My second attempt at studying (I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up) saw me achieve, by the skin of my teeth, a diploma in fashion designing.  I was sure that fashion school would have been home, you know a bunch of creatives, I was wrong.  Tom, I-can’t-remember-his-surname, was an amazingly, talented fashion student, he was so good that he graduated straight into a really good job after first year.  He didn’t need the diploma.  He once told me I looked like a virginal fairy.  Huh?  On another occasion he saw me out, he made a comment that went something like “{insert name of fashion school} has finally had an effect on you”.  I have yet to design anything. 

My beautiful gran was an accomplished water colour artist.  When she was younger she was a costume designer.  She was so talented and created such beautiful pieces of work that moved people, I believe, to see things, people, the country she called home, differently.  She died recently.  When we packed up her life, I felt like I should somehow follow in her footsteps, but I am genuinely petrified. 

I am still really mad at my dad for a bunch of things (don’t worry I do process and the list gets shorter), but I really miss the cheerleader in him.  He was amazing at daring me to dream and to believe in myself. I miss the affirmation. 

I work in an environment that more often than not leaves me feeling like I am not good enough.  Lame. I know.  (That being said guys, the special needs day care centre where I work is short R 30, 000 a month, we could really use your support).

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I have 3 incredible children.  In the June holidays after much deliberation we made the choice to home-school the older two, the youngest is going along for the ride (I will write another post at another time to explain our decision).  I love their creativity and imagination and I am blown away by their ability to make friends and to continue being friendly even if their awesomeness is misunderstood by others.   I believe that they can have the most beautiful lives.  I believe that they have the potential to create works of art, come up with new designs, write the most incredible stories, change the world around them.  I have had this terrifying thought though, how I am to inspire or lead them in any way if I am so imprisoned by my own self-doubt and fear of the opinion of others?

How much do the opinions of others matter to you?  I don’t believe I am alone in having to change my thinking.  

Here is a little of what I have learnt in all of the being me:

·         Someone will have an opinion of me or how I parent or manage my home or what I create or how I dress or look or eat or whatever, some opinions will be good, some bad and some other. People can be dream encouragers or dream killers.  I cannot live my life according to the opinions of others. 

·         I crave affirmation, being told I am good enough or what I have produced is worthy.  If I look to people for affirmation, my view of them will be distorted.  I will start to resent them.  I don’t want to resent people.

·         I am my own worst enemy.  If I continue to think and speak death over my abilities, the damage in me would be disastrous.  It is imperative I speak life. 

·         I am at home with my church family.  We are a beautiful, eclectic, imperfect, diverse bunch of people who call each other family.

·         Bad experiences in the pursuit of finding friends must not close me off to being friendly and open towards others.  While I am still finding there are many gaps in my conversations, I have found people who I am grateful to call friends. 

·          My champion need only be Father. It is really only His opinion that should matter.  I am learning to celebrate who He has made me to be.  As Psalm 139: 14 says,  

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

I really hope that this finds you well and that you know just how amazing you are.  You are not a mistake.  You are good enough. 

Much love

Philippa