We need to make space

There was a fashion show years ago, for a ladies’ day event.  The organizers had asked a few ladies to model.

 I wasn’t asked to model.

There was a Bible study led by someone I admired greatly at the time.  It felt like all of the girls of my age were in the Bible study.  I asked to join.  She said no, there was a reason, I just don’t remember it and I don’t think it was very good.  

My friend was asked to join. 

I have asked to join book clubs and be invited on girl’s nights, 

honestly, it would have been more helpful and less painful to shout into the wind.

We have become a baseball family.  My husband helps coach the u10’s, the older two play and Ollie and I support (or go for walks to calm Ollie who wants desperately to play.)  There are a few parents and coaches I awkwardly talk to and a lot more I don’t, or more to the point they don’t talk to me (do you think I am exaggerating for effect? Shame on you, I say in jest.)

Me and my Ollie.  I am currently sporting an undercut I gave myself, cool, hey?

Baseball fashion courtesy of Bebe.

A new family joined the team.  They have many children and they home-school them, we have 3 children and we home-school, like Netflix this was an 89% match rating.  (that is a pretty good rating for those non-Netflix privileged people. Thank you, Anthony, thank you, Mom.)  The lovely mum and I had only ever had a few brief conversations when on return from a walk past the river with Ollie, she said something like, “I thought church people had their people (you know your gang, your buds, your homies, your possy… wait what, you use other terminology for your crew, your friendship group, your friends-like-family?)?” Let me paint the scenario for you, we are standing under a tree watching the end of baseball practice.  We can see people and they can see us and I can do nothing to stop the flood of tears that break the banks and gushes down my face.  I am only grateful that I did not break out in body rocking or ear-shattering wailing.  My answer was something like we are wierdos and people don’t really ever invite us back, except for you, Carmen, you guys are the best.

You are wondering where I going with this right? That’s fine, bear with me. 

I had a moment today.  I lay on my bed and cried as I asked my husband why it was so hard to be me.  My children asked me later why I was crying.  I told them that I often feel like I don’t fit in.  

I had read a post on a parenting group on Facebook earlier this week.  The post itself meant little to me, but the direction of a few comments did.  They spoke of the girl code and how girls have each other’s backs. Wow.  The girl code that only ever includes certain girls and not others.  Girls, women, we can be so mean, so without heart. Our circles don’t easily include anyone too different. 

My daughter is 8.  She has sensory processing issues and anxiety that often manifests as extreme defiance.  She is so busy.  She asks so many questions all the time.  My daughter is beautiful and she has this figure that other girls will envy.  In her last term at school, she was bullied by two girls.  They picked on her naivety and her innocence.  She was unable to tell us, but her behaviour at home had become unbearable. It was only after she left school to be home-schooled that another mother informed us of the bullying.  

Make room for her world.

My daughter is friendly to everyone.  She is kind and she cares for everyone she comes into contact with.  My daughter is different.  My daughter has some really special friends; they are all a little different like her.  I love them dearly. 

Why am I writing this? To bemoan other women or to share my loneliness, no.  I worry, I worry that so many girls, so many women and boys and men and old people and people with disabilities and others that are different will find themselves in the cold so often that they will start to believe themselves unlovable.  I am scared that we have become so good at placing conditions on who is allowed in our homes, our friendship circles that we will exclude everyone needing to know they matter. 

I MC the yearly concert for the special needs day-care centre where I work.  For reasons I don’t understand, I am completely comfortable speaking in front of 200 plus people.  I tell the parents, funders, members of the community that we need to make space in our society for people with disabilities.  

We need to make space. 

We need to make space in our homes, our friendship groups, our hearts for those that are different to us, those that don’t look like us.  

We need to be open to notice the lonely.  

Take off your blinkers. 

I really believe that if we are going to love like Jesus, we need to love like Jesus, otherwise what is the point?

As I end this, because it is stupid late and I have work tomorrow, I really hope this finds you well.  I hope that if you are not lonely or out in the cold that you would make a little space.  And if you are, I pray you would make a little space and that you would find your people.

Philippa